February 29-March 15, 2010
After Osho/Baghwan left there was a short period of time where I continued talking to Perry and my family spirits. This is when Perry and I wandered around the bookstore and purchased our comic book, Fables. I also seem to remember that the furries all climbed off of my body. They had told me that they weren't going to talk to me anymore at this point but that they would still be with me in my room and to just look at the geocoins and remember them. There was a very short period of peace where I was free to just communicate and I mostly spoke to Perry. But this respite did not last and what happened next progressed quickly.
One evening, with Perry, I started hearing a gentle, motherly spirit that identified itself as Gaia telling me to pet Perry's spirit. I began waiving my hands through what appeared to be translucent like ripples in the space in front of me; through the energy presence I knew was Perry. I felt energy come off of my own hands and Perry expressed gratitude and pleasure in receiving this affection. She/Gaia then began to gently tell me to bring him into my heart. I felt her presence guiding my hands to bring Perry's energy into my upper chest area, the heart chakra. He was nervous about this and I coaxed him telling him gently that it was alright with me and that I was sure he would be fine. He finally let his energy fill my heart area and I was overwhelmed with his loving presence. He was very pleased that it did not hurt me and that I delighted in his presence there.
The spirit called Gaia was around for several days. God helped Perry understand that he could communicate with me from the heart chakra. I literally felt messages come to me from this area, instead of my mind. It was as if another type of consciousness had been revealed to me. Heart consciousness instead of mind consciousness.
I entered a trance state and began acting very strangely for the next few days. Unfortunately, I could not always tell where the delusions started and the real spirit communication began. I have not really talked about any of my delusions but it will be hard to avoid them in this segment. Because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was very easy for my attackers to subject thoughts to me which triggered flashbacks and caused spiraling delusions. This is why I have had to submit to hospitalizations. During these episodes, there is always a soft voice that guides me to safety, like in the time of Atlanta, where I learned it was sometimes Perry.
At some point, I was aware of my human psychic attacker trying to connect tethers and cords to me again. I really didn't know what to do. I tried to ignore the problem as so many other things were also happening. I was hearing the entity Gaia, a group of entities that identified themselves as Divine Consciousness, my family spirits and spirits that claimed to be Bawa and Mae Chee Kew. Perry was the only one I was really sure of because he was the only one in my heart. It became a grounding place for me. Many of them acted as a sort of comic relief and support, but I realize now that the scenarios they were playing out and the things that they were telling me were just made up. I wonder now, if the whole event occured to take my mind off the stress that I was under and what was to come.
God never left me, but I was thoroughly distracted and was not consistent in praying to him. I was way too sensitive to the energy around me to remain focused in an earthly sense. While I did attend classes that week, I was swaying a lot and saying weird things that Divine Consciousness kept telling me to say to people. Everyone kept asking me if I was OK.
On Wednesday night, March 3, 2010, I was in my night class when I became aware that tethers and cords were after me again. I had prayed for my Great Great Grandfather earlier this week, and I knew he was present during this whole mess. Something was telling me all sorts of lies while I was sitting in class. I had sensed a lot of energy in my professor early in the semester and the attacker started telling me things like he could read my mind, that he had met his soulmate, too. Then it started to pretend to be my professor telling me that he understood everything I was going through and that if I needed to leave the room it was ok. I did hear my spirit guides remind me to put water on my neck and face as this had provided relief before. I went to the bathroom several times and soaked my hair even though it was cold outside.
I couldn't shake the energy trying to tether to me. It just kept coming after me and coming after me. I had learned how to gather the energy cords and remove them and ground them into objects but they were coming at me like bullets in a war zone. I left the class again and started running around the campus. Beyond this, I'm afraid it's too hard for me to go into to detail. I ended up in the emergency room under observation for several hours, and then I was let go. I calmed myself down in the hospital and tried to figure out where I was getting the messages wrong. Even at that, my mind is always thinking and with the PTSD, it was impossible for me to remain present after I had been triggered. After so many hospitalizations with other mental storylines playing out, it wasn't really that hard to trigger my mind spins. The energy didn't leave me, and this time I was sure of who it was. It was the man I had met at the metaphysical bookstore a year earlier.
I tried to talk to him like I had with Perry and Osho. God had told me to love him. I tried to talk to him and send love to him. I told him I wasn't angry with him I just wanted to have my body back and my privacy back. We went through hours of conversation where he used all of my thoughts about him against me. He was mad at me because I thought he was ugly. He was mad at me because he was only trying to help me and I had never gone back to the bookstore. He was mad at me because I didn't really believe that he was psychic at first. He was mad at me for thinking he was a rapist. It just went on and on and on. I apologized for everything he kept throwing at me. It was useless. I think he pretended to apologize to me once or twice, but he always turned the conversation around on me and continued sending me anger. It was a really hard grueling conversation, with no positive end in sight as with Perry and Osho. The very epitome of verbal abuse.
I was praying to God, whom assured me that he loved me. My attacker could hear God through me. God kept telling me to love him. I had to put aside all of my feelings of hate and resentment and dig deep to find compassion for this soul that was hellbent on hurting me. I forgave him, and tried to send him love. I felt sorry for him, too, because this was all he could think of to do with such an amazing ability. At some point, they told me not to worry about it anymore. Perry told me that God was watching everything and that he had gotten permission to help me. He was talking to me and telling me that everything was being recorded in something like a big book. He was very angry and I could feel protectiveness coming from him. I rolled over on my right side and I let Perry talk me to sleep, even though my nights were now restless. I slept on my right side because that is where most of the attacker's energy came from, and it seemed to quiet him a little.
I was putting mud on my body on the parts that were suffering from tethers again in the morning. This again provided temporary relief after my shower. I had a sage soap in the shower that also provided quite a bit of temporary relief. These things weakened his presence ever so slightly but it made a difference in my moral. I think it was Thursday when I drove over to my shaman's house unannounced. She wasn't home but her sitter, an energy healer, let me in the door to wait for her. The healer, immediately sensed something terribly wrong. She put her hands on my back and looked at it. She told me that it looked like branches of a tree growing off of my shoulders and back and that the sensation started making her very sick. Her spirit guide told her not to touch me. Shortly after that the shaman arrived home and burst through the door in a fit of anger. She saw me immediately and said that her spirit guide was pissed and that we needed to get upstairs to her sacred space immediately. I hadn't told her anything. She just knew when she walked in I needed her help.
We went upstairs and she prepared some of her sacred mud. She chanted, beat her drum, took a journey, let the entity called the Bone Woman enter her body and painted my whole body in mud. I don't understand anything that happened but it was making the energy leave my body. She had some rattles and I felt the urge to take one from her and start driving the energy out through my right arm and leg. Something else from deep within told me to sing and let the vibration help, which worked as I found the right notes...like a chant. I was told I had a spirit bear and I felt the entity within me and started growling at my arm as the energy was driven further out of my body. After some time, all of my body was clear except a minor sensation I had at my ankle. I was exhausted, and the shaman believed our work was done. That very same night, the tethers all started coming back at me.
By Friday, the telepathic connection between us was open again and I started sending him anger and insults. I called my shaman and told her what was happening. She told me to hang out with her at work for awhile and I asked her if I could stay at her house for the weekend. I had huge fight with my mother, whom was afraid to let me leave the house in the state I appeared to be in, but I was determined to speak with someone who had some idea of this type of problem. I didn't have anyone else but the shaman.
While I was waiting for her to get off of work, I was sending anger and insults to the attacker through the energy connections he had created. My friend that drove me to the business was very concerned about me because in all outward appearances, I was talking to myself and appearing extremely stressed. This went on for hours, until my friend drove me over the shaman's home and I fell asleep on a couch. The shaman's home was always a mess. The family was very dislocated and unsettled and God was never invoked on any of our encounters. I knew by some of the remarks she had said to me that she was starting to doubt my analysis of what was happening. This frightened me, because I didn't have anyone else to turn to.
That morning, I was barely out of one of my delusional spin offs when the attacker started talking to me again. This time, he pretended to be talking to Gaia and laughing. He pretended to like me again and become friends with me. It was all a horrible lie. I can't remember how long this went on, but it eventually became another delusion. The delusion, in a way saved me.
The delusion was that Perry was the Leviathan, or prince of darkness, and that I was his soulmate and that every millenium or so, I put everyone in the world in peril by bringing them into contact with my psychic attacker; that every millenium or so we both reincarnate and always start a psychic fight and that is why we keep getting reincarnated. I never want to kill myself so I start telling everyone about what is going on and because I tell so many people the attacker has to attack them, too. Everything I was hearing was telling me to kill myself right now. Perry, really was telling me not to do it. While he couldn't control my delusions, he could certainly influence me not to do something that would hurt myself, but I had no intention of doing so anyway. I played off a scenario where Perry was in charge of our family spirits and we began fighting back at everyone in the name of Love. Love seemed to make our spirits larger, and it seemed to scare off whatever I was hearing temporarily. Somehow, I snapped out of this whole trance, and kneeled down in the living room confused and exhausted. Perry, was asking me where I had gone, and this is about when I started to really learn the difference between delusions and initial telepathic attacks and spirit communication. Perry and the family spirits also started watching what they say and how much they say to quell my mind's tendency to spin off. I wasn't completely out of the dark, though, just more aware that I was not quite getting everything right.
The shaman woke up and she began pounding on her daughter's bedroom door because she had not answered her wails of her name. She was in a very aggressive mood which I had never seen and she began to take a metal wedge of some kind and force her daughter's door open. I was actually really afraid of her anger. Something was telling me that something awful had happened to her daughter and that I needed to leave immediately before it was discovered. This was not true, another deception, but I left anyway to calm down and collect myself. I went down the street and got breakfast, and realized I was still in a bit of a trance, but feeling more calm and quiet. A soft voice told me to awaken.
Afterward I walked back to the shaman's house. She proceeded to tell me that her guides had told her that it was impossible for a human to be doing what I claimed and that if I was still under attack that it was my fault, that I was allowing it. I knew this was absurd, and I knew that this misinformation had something to do with her channels not being connected to God. I actually felt really sorry for her. I apologized to her for any inconvenience and I told her that I really had appreciated all of the work she had done. I told her that I was having some trouble with delusions and that I felt like I was just going to go and spend some time with my friend. It didn't really matter what I did for the rest of the day. I knew she couldn't help and I didn't have anyone else with a comparable skill or knowledge.
My friend drove me around for the rest of the day. He took me home and I took a shower and then he took me ice skating that night to help me calm down. During the ice skating my attacker started to pretend to be my friend again. Another horrible deception, but I was too exhausted to fight it, I just let go with it because it was easier to play along than fight. I simply didn't know how to make it stop.
It was about 6 am when I awoke to the pressure on my back becoming unbearable. I have read about tethers and anchors and they work somewhat on visualization. One can make them any shape or form to corrupt someone else's energy. My spirit body was beginning to boil over. I felt like a rubber band about to snap in a 1000 places and that I would have no control over what happened. As the attack persisted and I felt the energy on my back boiling, my mind began to visualize on its own. A visual artist and anime enthusiast, my tethers took the bizzarre shapes of large exotic petals with razor teeth and anchors. The images just kept coming forth. I heard my attacker say "what the f. is that sh*t coming off your back?". My family spirit guide told me to get on the computer and email my professor for a better shaman (he taught anthropology and was likely to have experience with this). My Great Great Grandfather said to the attacker through me "My great great grandaughter is so strong she could kill you and it would all be on accident." They kept guiding me not to attack. They kept reminding that I was Buddhist and that Buddhists don't attack. Somehow, I counseled myself to remain calm. Some of my spirit family were not Buddhist, and calmness wasn't an obvious ability to them so I counseled them, too, giving them ways that they could help me. They told me that the only thing I could do now was go to the hospital. This made sense, it was the only place no one would bother me for praying or meditating or talking to myself, and I would be safe and away from my worried family, whose worry only fed my sickening anxiety. Someone told me to put a bag together for myself, change of clothes, journal, colored pencils, things I knew I would need because I had been there so many times already. My uncle Kenneth told me not to even wake my parents, but to drive myself there and call them later. He told me to quit worrying about everyone else for a second and just take care of myself. So I did.
During the hours in the emergency room waiting to be admitted to a room, I entered another delusion. Now, it is possible to think that some spirits were feeding me scenarios to help me use my imagination and cope with the situation, because I actually received positive messages of support and love and credit from what felt like other consciousnesses. With what I know today, I have to wonder if indeed it was a creative form of help. Stuff started pretending be friends I knew connecting to the telepathic chain. Every 10 minutes or so someone would chime in and marvel over the feat of telepathy and then say how unbelievable it was that I was in the hospital when this was a war between good and evil. What was pretending to be my friends coached me in some boxing to help me break tethers, and told me not to worry because they weren't going to leave me by myself. Another friend of mine chimed in and started apologizing about the way he treated me during my first episode in Atlanta. He said he had been breaking tethers for a couple days now. I told him about the mud and he said he was on it. At any rate, their false presences were comforting to me, and even when I felt too tired to move around anymore I was encouraged to rest. At some point I sat on the floor and started to pet Gaia, because I just didn't know what else to do. Everyone I was telepathically connected to was sitting on the floor and petting Gaia, praying that she would come up with a solution to the telekinesis attack problem. Finally, I was taken upstairs to the behavioral health unit. Honestly, I was relieved. I would be free to cope here, away from the worried and hurtful expressions of my parents and left alone mostly by the staff.
I spent 9 days in that hospital. It was the longest episode I had ever had. On day one I just kept marching back and forth through the ward, talking to my spirit guides and listening to my attacker. I will never be able to put into words what it is like to have telepathic connection to someone who wants to just verbally abuse you nonstop with the only quiet being in a sleeping pill. I was previously in an abusive marriage and even at that I was able to get outside of our apartment and go for walks or stay with a friend. A telepathic connection is phenomenally more invasive as there is no obvious way to end it to me, as of yet.
For 5 days I walked up and down that ward. I had one or two delusions but they were no longer scary or severe and they didn't take me as long to figure out. I had packed my mud, which was a kaolin clay face mask. I put some of this in a cup and applied it in the morning after seriously long showers that provided relief by weakening the attacker's energy a little. I also found that while outside in the court area, it was easier for me to hear my spirit guides because the energy was less stale. I remembered the importance of natural materials for providing relief and I gathered a couple of leaves which I used to rub my neck and third eye area to remove his energy, temporarily. For some reason, the hospital soap was very good at weakening the energy. I never figured out what was in it. It was better than my sage soap.
On the 4th and 5th days I was being told to meditate and send energy to my third eye. This was infuriating my attacker. He began a barrage of insults and threats and curse words that now were accompanied by an invisible yet surmounting pressure up against my face and body. Imagine the angriest most vehement person you have ever seen yelling at you close enough to spit on your face and you still have only a fraction of the idea of the kind of suffering this is that I speak of. He began to tell me that he had enough of my meditating and that I was never going to get better and I knew it. He was going to make me sick and they were going to keep giving me all different kinds of medication because they weren't going to know what was wrong with me; that they would eventually give me shock treatments; that I was going to be institutionalized because I wouldn't be able to take care of myself; that I would eventually try to kill myself with a light bulb just like they always do in the movies; that suicide was my only way out; that my mother wouldn't even come to visit me she would be so happy to be rid of me; that she would be happy someone would be able to take care of me...and on and on and on for hours. I went to the medication station and asked for my sleeping pill, not entirely sure if that would work. The new medication I was on, clearly was not working. Being instituitionalized was appearing to be a terrifyingly real option. I laid down on my bed and just took all of the insults until I finally fell asleep. I didn't even have the energy to cry. There wasn't any room in my head to feel for myself. To my relief, I drifted off to sleep.
My sleep was quiet but when I awoke the next morning the attack immediately continued. I climbed out of my bed listening to the abusive assault with no idea of what to try next. The pressure was physical on my body and I couldn't think because of the insults. I was terrified. I walked out of my room and paced a little when I sensed my aunt's spirit trying to tell me something. The attacker was enraged and sent more anger and insults. Then I heard her tell me to pray. I looked up at the ceiling and said dumbfoundedly, "pray..." and she emphatically said "Yes! Pray to God!" I was immediately moved by her help. I went into my room quickly and knelt on the floor beside my bed and I began to pray to God. My heart poured forth love and pleaded to hear God's voice in my Qalb again. I prayed and asked him to help me and my family because I didn't think my family deserved to have to watch their daughter become committed. I prayed and focused only on my love for God holding my hands tightly together in hope. And then a miracle occurred.
Suddenly, I felt the tickling sensation become stronger and stronger in my Qalb and I was pulled up off of my knees by God. I experienced what I can only describe as the very volume of the attackers insults and pressure being turned down to an almost inaudible, yet annoying chatter in the space around me. As I was standing up I looked up to the ceiling area I felt my aunt was in and said "Oh, a miracle! A miracle!" and she said "Yes! A miracle! Thank God, Susan! Thank God!" and then I began to thank God unceasingly for his love and his help. God then urged me to go out of my room and sit at a table. He told me that he was going to help me get out of the hospital. Everyone told me that I had to stop using my lips to interpret their messages; it was making me look like I had the very illness I did not. I felt God in my Qalb but I was aware that the attacker was not completely gone, only dulled. They told me this is how it had to be. I had to manage under these conditions. I sat at the table with white paper and crayons in front of me, and listened and calmed.
I colored the phrase God is love on a couple sheets of paper. This calmed me down and God told me it was very sweet. The spirits around me told me he enjoyed it when I did that. Then, God instructed me to write a brief synapse of telekinesis using a book that my mother had brought me to the hospital. I had purchased a book on remote viewing called Limitless Mind, by Russell Targ the about 1 or 2 days before I went to the hospital. My mother found it in my room and brought it to me and I totally attribute this to God and divine intervention. He instructed me to go and get the book and write a synapse about psychic attack telling the doctors that all of this information was available on the internet and that they could google it. I was guided to look up the definitions of telekinesis and telepathy and describe what was happening to me giving those definitions to the doctors. I wrote aabout a page and half of psychic attack and some definitions overemphasizing how this information could be googled on the internet. I included a paragraph about how the book talked about using remote viewing in the American military in the 1950's and then I included the name and title of the book. My point was that this stuff is real and is documented. I was then instructed by God to have the doctor put this and some crayon flyers about psychic attack into my files. I asked God if he was sure about that and he said yes, even though we all knew the doctors would just ignore it. I had the doctors put the papers in my file and then I asked God if there was anything else he wanted me to do. I think I made a few more flyers with God's name and his love on them and left them out on the tables. Some of the other patients began to pick these up and take them to their rooms and I received appreciation from them. It was an honor to direct them to God.
The next couple of days were concentrated on making me appear "recovered". There was no way to get the attacker's voice to stop attacking me so I had to deal with his insults and telikinetic pressure just being turned down, which was a huge help. I just ignored him and colored as much as possible and tried to have simple conversation with the spirit guides around me. I was told by God and to tell the doctors I was not hearing anything. This bothered me as I am Buddhist and do not like to lie. Then I had the epiphany that I wasn't lying if I said I wasn't hearing voices because technically I was communicating with other consciousnesses. Hearing voices is literal and I really didn't hear any voice. I received messages in my mind which is telepathy and is the interactive communication process of consciousnesses. I was enlightened and suddenly had no problem telling the doctors what they wanted to hear in order to let me go home.
God also told me at this point that I never had to go to a hospital again, however, later on down the road, my stubborn inclination to continue on with school would cause the guides around me to take drastic measures to get my attention again and I would in fact go one more time. I don't actually hold God accountable for the whole thing as I understand the guidance around me took some liberties. So, I'm not angry with God. He didn't make a promise after all.
