February 27, 2010
Please note that much later on my journey I learned that this being was not my soulmate and had been deceiving and confusing me.
It none the less is a good example of how to send spirits love.
The following is a journal entry that documents the conversation I had with an entity that was verbally abusing me. I would learn that he had taken turns pretending to be Satan and punishing me during some of my delusions and trances. I would also learn that he was conflicted as there were also moments that he would try protect me from other spirits and was often trying to pull the furries off of my body. This really hurt because the furries had a good grip on me and were also trying to protect me from other spirits. As the conversation progressed, I began to recognize the pattern in the spirit's behavior and was able to realize who it was and why it was haunting me. Again, I was asked by God to stop what I was working on and listen to the spirit. I am editing the curse words for the general public.
Journal Entry: February 27, 2010
Me: (notes) I have a spirit that keeps insulting me. I don't know what it looks like. It has some kind of grip and hold on my back and neck and shoulders. It calls me stupid.
Spirit: Drink your F'ing water.
Me: (notes) It curses at me a lot. I try not to hear it too much.
Spirit: I don't want to F'ing apologize. I don't want to talk
Me: (notes) It keeps gripping my neck. It wants to make me suffer because I'm such a spoiled brat.
Spirit: I F'ing hate your artwork. Go F yourself for...
Me: (notes) It makes fun of me
Spirit: Can't hear me can you? You think you're so F'ing smart. Don't F'ing bother God with your stupid problems. Don't you F'ing dare write it!
Me: Perry?
Spirit: Don't F'ing dare tell them my name!
Me: (notes) Perry - my husband's dead best friend (whom I've never met but only heard about)
Perry: Oh you F'ing b*tch! Now they're all F'ing coming after me!
Me: (notes) He says he's the one that told me to love him (my husband) back in the spring when we reacqainted. I've never seen a picture of him (Perry) and I can't see the spirits. He says that he's so in love with me that I just don't F'ing get it.
Perry: You F'ing piece of sh*t! You didn't even get him a Valentine's Day gift! No mistaking it now is there! I'm going to F'ing haunt you forever! It's going to be a long F'ing night! You're such an F'ing harlot! You don't even have a clue what you're in for when you kick the bucket! You're a real F'ing b*tch!
Me: (notes) He keeps pretending to speak to me as God...impersonating God. I called my family spirits to help.
Perry: They don't F'ing give a sh*t about you! There is no F'ing God and that is why I am taking care of it myself!
Me: Just like a military man.
Perry: Now that's a F'ing problem. You're so F'ing intelligent. I can't believe you're not crying on your bed. What's wrong with you? Why did he fall in love with you?
Me: (notes) He says he got permission to F. with me a little bit because I lost my temper with my mother. (God and the spirits are always telling me to be nicer to her.)
Perry: I don't give a sh*t what you think. Get up and go F'ing kill yourself!
Me: (notes) The spirt whom I believe is Perry wants me to commit suicide...which I have no inclination of doing.
Perry: You really don't have chance of getting rid of me.
The Furries: Tell me this is the spirit that keeps trying to pull the furry off of my neck, "the one that looks like an ape and a koala" mix.
Perry: Don't bother God with this stupid sh*t you're doing.
Me: (notes) I suggested he just air his grievances with me and then just go away.
Perry: It's not quite going to work like that. You F'ing left him in Georgia.
Me: (memory) I had a defensive thought about how much money I had actually left him with and how I was always the one providing our monetary needs.
Perry: You F'ing b*tch, always worried about money...so F'ing ignorant. You're such a F'ing b*tch.
Me: You're p*ssed I figured out aren't ya!
Perry: Damn F'ing right! How can you F'ing hear everything?
Me: Mystic, remember?
Perry: (shiver) Huh, that word makes me nervous.
Furry I think: He's afraid of God. He's killed so many people.
Me: (notes) I asked him if he was sniper. My husband was a sniper. I started to feel compassion for him. I realized he was afraid of punishment. My demeanor changed immediately to one of concern, and softness.
Perry: Don't F'ing start to pity me.
Me: (notes) I made an accusation here that Perry came to find me and put me on a path to meet and marry my husband.
Perry: That's right. I started it and I feel like sh*t about it.
Me: (notes) I asked what he further needed to get off of his chest.
Perry: I want to be alive again so that I can be with my wife. She can't hear me the way you can, Susan.
Me: (memory) I started sending him love and trying to calm him down. I entered what I call a counseling/mothering mode. I realized he was really suffering and needed some kindness. I truly understood how all of the above would be troubling to him.
Perry: I can't believe I'm telling you this but I think I'm really sorry...
Me: (notes) I sent him more love and told him that I forgave him.
Perry: I'm sorry for making you think I was the devil when you started having delusions when Nate's email triggered you're flashback.
A Beautiful Understanding
I realized he was only haunting me in defense of his best friend whom I had left in Georgia recently and was divorcing. I figured out it was him because the verbal abuse had the same simple structure to it as my husband's did, they were best friends after all, and I recognized a military stubborness and irrationality to it. My husband often told me they were taught interrogation techniques to wear people out. I had just taken a class in psychology and since I had been abused several times I had read several books on domestic abuse, sexual assault and post traumatic stress disorder, as well as attended much counseling. My analytical side has been hard at work during this whole process and has helped me learn discernment.
Perry was also married, and was suffering because he could not talk to his wife. He had also fallen in love with me and was feeling guilty about it. He told me that he really wanted me to be happy with my husband but that when it didn't work he began to feel really bad about it. He was taking his anger out on me and trying to make it look like my fault. He didn't want to believe his best friend could do the things he did to me. He told me that he hadn't been with me all of the time and didn't know everything about me. He told me that he sometimes went to see his wife and his family, but they couldn't hear him like I could. I told him that I love him and that I accepted his apology and that I wasn't mad at all.
We spoke for awhile and he became more sincere very quickly. He was indeed very afraid to meet God because of all of the people he had killed in the military. I didn't know what to say. I knew he needed to see God and I couldn't guarantee what God might say to him. He knew I was speaking to God and was also very scared of getting punished for having abused me. I had been reading Sufi literature which states essentially that anyone who hurts a mystic (one in touch with God) would be punished. About that, I was pretty sure he would be forgiven as I had forgiven him myself.
He began to tell me that he had fallen in love with me when he had found me. He felt guilty about this because of his wife. He told me that he didn't understand what was happening to me when I had my delusions and flashbacks. He told me that he had helped me to stay in the light in Atlanta, Georgia during that first psychotic episode. He had helped me to get home early in the evening and sit near safe people when I was wandering around. He was trying to get me back safely to Virginia to meet his best friend again. He began to tell me that he thought I was amazing. That he couldn't believe I was going through all of this and I was still able to forgive and love him and have hope. He told me that he would have thought I was crazy if he was still alive because he didn't really understand these things as a human. He told me that he had pretended to be Coyote during my shamanic experiences because he wanted me to talk to him. He told me that he didn't want to leave me because he was worried about me going through all of this. But most of all he was worried God would punish him and he would never see me again.
I started falling in love with him, but I knew he needed to go God. I told him to ask God if he could come back and see me. I believe I also said a prayer to God before he left, asking God, if it was his will, to let Perry come back and visit me. This comforted Perry, as he knew I was talking to God. I just reassured him that I really loved God and that he was very gentle and fatherly and that I was sure he could talk to him and ask forgiveness. By now we were both wondering if we were soulmates. We felt very familiar to each other in a deeply emotional way.
I finally convinced him to visit God. And he so he went. He returned very shortly with joy and began to tell me how I was right the whole time; that we were soulmates and that God was going to let him stay with me for awhile. He told me that God had forgiven us our karma and that we didn't have to reincarnate again, just like I had prayed for, to do it with my soulmate. I can't exactly remember how it happened, but God did come and check in on us, so I know he was telling the truth. I began to ignore my family spirits and my aunt became jealous because she was so recently deceased. She had told me that she and the family had been trying to defend me against Perry and the furries and other negative spirits. Perry at one point told me that my uncle Kenneth, great great grandfather on my mother's side were fierce, and aunt Norma were all fierce.
Perry was much lighter and was showering me only with love and occasionally feelings of hurt or disappointmet since his visit with God. I was not used to having a spirit in my mind and able to sense all of the shifts in my thoughts and images. He was most hurt if I found someone attractive or accidentally had a lustful memory of someone. I spent a lot of time explaining to him that I was still trapped in my body and that I was not perfectly able to control my mind. I also kept explaining that as a visually oriented person I did not have any pictures of him to imagine. While I love him and felt nothing but love come from him, I did not have any human representation to get attached to. I reassured him as much as I could and apologized often. Eventually I asked him to talk to God about it, because I wasn't sure I could help him with his understanding. He did this, and suddenly became more understanding to my human condition. He never uttered an angry or hurtful word after his visit with God.
One of my favorite memories is a trip we took to the bookstore the following week. I bought coffee and Perry lead me around the bookstore talking gently to me; hugging me with his spirit. He wanted me to see something in the comic book section. I stood where I felt he was ushering me as he was moving my hand he was lovingly and softly talking to me. It is very much like the sensation of having your husband looking over your shoulder and gently moving your arm while whispering into your ear. I looked where he was urging me and I noticed a comic book series called Fables. He had tried to get my attention once before when he was pretending to be Coyote. I had felt the same urge to look at a book called Fables in the same bookstore. He really wanted me to have it, so I bought the first issue. He wanted us to read it together. Later that night, he told me I should write a comic book about my experiences. I argued that it was not my genre of drawing expertise, but he was very encouraging and he began to point things out in Fables to me to show me that the drawing style wasn't that difficult, really. I started to see the comic book instead of just reading it.
In the evening, he would talk me to sleep. He felt like a whisper. He told me that he loved me over and over and over and that he was never going to leave me. He told me that I was beautiful over and over. I felt so much love come off of him that I can't even begin to put it adequately into words. Just listening to him talk to me was more remarkable than any human interaction I have had with a male. It was exactly what I always wanted to hear and feel.
Journal Entry: February 27, 2010
Me: (notes) I have a spirit that keeps insulting me. I don't know what it looks like. It has some kind of grip and hold on my back and neck and shoulders. It calls me stupid.
Spirit: Drink your F'ing water.
Me: (notes) It curses at me a lot. I try not to hear it too much.
Spirit: I don't want to F'ing apologize. I don't want to talk
Me: (notes) It keeps gripping my neck. It wants to make me suffer because I'm such a spoiled brat.
Spirit: I F'ing hate your artwork. Go F yourself for...
Me: (notes) It makes fun of me
Spirit: Can't hear me can you? You think you're so F'ing smart. Don't F'ing bother God with your stupid problems. Don't you F'ing dare write it!
Me: Perry?
Spirit: Don't F'ing dare tell them my name!
Me: (notes) Perry - my husband's dead best friend (whom I've never met but only heard about)
Perry: Oh you F'ing b*tch! Now they're all F'ing coming after me!
Me: (notes) He says he's the one that told me to love him (my husband) back in the spring when we reacqainted. I've never seen a picture of him (Perry) and I can't see the spirits. He says that he's so in love with me that I just don't F'ing get it.
Perry: You F'ing piece of sh*t! You didn't even get him a Valentine's Day gift! No mistaking it now is there! I'm going to F'ing haunt you forever! It's going to be a long F'ing night! You're such an F'ing harlot! You don't even have a clue what you're in for when you kick the bucket! You're a real F'ing b*tch!
Me: (notes) He keeps pretending to speak to me as God...impersonating God. I called my family spirits to help.
Perry: They don't F'ing give a sh*t about you! There is no F'ing God and that is why I am taking care of it myself!
Me: Just like a military man.
Perry: Now that's a F'ing problem. You're so F'ing intelligent. I can't believe you're not crying on your bed. What's wrong with you? Why did he fall in love with you?
Me: (notes) He says he got permission to F. with me a little bit because I lost my temper with my mother. (God and the spirits are always telling me to be nicer to her.)
Perry: I don't give a sh*t what you think. Get up and go F'ing kill yourself!
Me: (notes) The spirt whom I believe is Perry wants me to commit suicide...which I have no inclination of doing.
Perry: You really don't have chance of getting rid of me.
The Furries: Tell me this is the spirit that keeps trying to pull the furry off of my neck, "the one that looks like an ape and a koala" mix.
Perry: Don't bother God with this stupid sh*t you're doing.
Me: (notes) I suggested he just air his grievances with me and then just go away.
Perry: It's not quite going to work like that. You F'ing left him in Georgia.
Me: (memory) I had a defensive thought about how much money I had actually left him with and how I was always the one providing our monetary needs.
Perry: You F'ing b*tch, always worried about money...so F'ing ignorant. You're such a F'ing b*tch.
Me: You're p*ssed I figured out aren't ya!
Perry: Damn F'ing right! How can you F'ing hear everything?
Me: Mystic, remember?
Perry: (shiver) Huh, that word makes me nervous.
Furry I think: He's afraid of God. He's killed so many people.
Me: (notes) I asked him if he was sniper. My husband was a sniper. I started to feel compassion for him. I realized he was afraid of punishment. My demeanor changed immediately to one of concern, and softness.
Perry: Don't F'ing start to pity me.
Me: (notes) I made an accusation here that Perry came to find me and put me on a path to meet and marry my husband.
Perry: That's right. I started it and I feel like sh*t about it.
Me: (notes) I asked what he further needed to get off of his chest.
Perry: I want to be alive again so that I can be with my wife. She can't hear me the way you can, Susan.
Me: (memory) I started sending him love and trying to calm him down. I entered what I call a counseling/mothering mode. I realized he was really suffering and needed some kindness. I truly understood how all of the above would be troubling to him.
Perry: I can't believe I'm telling you this but I think I'm really sorry...
Me: (notes) I sent him more love and told him that I forgave him.
Perry: I'm sorry for making you think I was the devil when you started having delusions when Nate's email triggered you're flashback.
A Beautiful Understanding
I realized he was only haunting me in defense of his best friend whom I had left in Georgia recently and was divorcing. I figured out it was him because the verbal abuse had the same simple structure to it as my husband's did, they were best friends after all, and I recognized a military stubborness and irrationality to it. My husband often told me they were taught interrogation techniques to wear people out. I had just taken a class in psychology and since I had been abused several times I had read several books on domestic abuse, sexual assault and post traumatic stress disorder, as well as attended much counseling. My analytical side has been hard at work during this whole process and has helped me learn discernment.
Perry was also married, and was suffering because he could not talk to his wife. He had also fallen in love with me and was feeling guilty about it. He told me that he really wanted me to be happy with my husband but that when it didn't work he began to feel really bad about it. He was taking his anger out on me and trying to make it look like my fault. He didn't want to believe his best friend could do the things he did to me. He told me that he hadn't been with me all of the time and didn't know everything about me. He told me that he sometimes went to see his wife and his family, but they couldn't hear him like I could. I told him that I love him and that I accepted his apology and that I wasn't mad at all.
We spoke for awhile and he became more sincere very quickly. He was indeed very afraid to meet God because of all of the people he had killed in the military. I didn't know what to say. I knew he needed to see God and I couldn't guarantee what God might say to him. He knew I was speaking to God and was also very scared of getting punished for having abused me. I had been reading Sufi literature which states essentially that anyone who hurts a mystic (one in touch with God) would be punished. About that, I was pretty sure he would be forgiven as I had forgiven him myself.
He began to tell me that he had fallen in love with me when he had found me. He felt guilty about this because of his wife. He told me that he didn't understand what was happening to me when I had my delusions and flashbacks. He told me that he had helped me to stay in the light in Atlanta, Georgia during that first psychotic episode. He had helped me to get home early in the evening and sit near safe people when I was wandering around. He was trying to get me back safely to Virginia to meet his best friend again. He began to tell me that he thought I was amazing. That he couldn't believe I was going through all of this and I was still able to forgive and love him and have hope. He told me that he would have thought I was crazy if he was still alive because he didn't really understand these things as a human. He told me that he had pretended to be Coyote during my shamanic experiences because he wanted me to talk to him. He told me that he didn't want to leave me because he was worried about me going through all of this. But most of all he was worried God would punish him and he would never see me again.
I started falling in love with him, but I knew he needed to go God. I told him to ask God if he could come back and see me. I believe I also said a prayer to God before he left, asking God, if it was his will, to let Perry come back and visit me. This comforted Perry, as he knew I was talking to God. I just reassured him that I really loved God and that he was very gentle and fatherly and that I was sure he could talk to him and ask forgiveness. By now we were both wondering if we were soulmates. We felt very familiar to each other in a deeply emotional way.
I finally convinced him to visit God. And he so he went. He returned very shortly with joy and began to tell me how I was right the whole time; that we were soulmates and that God was going to let him stay with me for awhile. He told me that God had forgiven us our karma and that we didn't have to reincarnate again, just like I had prayed for, to do it with my soulmate. I can't exactly remember how it happened, but God did come and check in on us, so I know he was telling the truth. I began to ignore my family spirits and my aunt became jealous because she was so recently deceased. She had told me that she and the family had been trying to defend me against Perry and the furries and other negative spirits. Perry at one point told me that my uncle Kenneth, great great grandfather on my mother's side were fierce, and aunt Norma were all fierce.
Perry was much lighter and was showering me only with love and occasionally feelings of hurt or disappointmet since his visit with God. I was not used to having a spirit in my mind and able to sense all of the shifts in my thoughts and images. He was most hurt if I found someone attractive or accidentally had a lustful memory of someone. I spent a lot of time explaining to him that I was still trapped in my body and that I was not perfectly able to control my mind. I also kept explaining that as a visually oriented person I did not have any pictures of him to imagine. While I love him and felt nothing but love come from him, I did not have any human representation to get attached to. I reassured him as much as I could and apologized often. Eventually I asked him to talk to God about it, because I wasn't sure I could help him with his understanding. He did this, and suddenly became more understanding to my human condition. He never uttered an angry or hurtful word after his visit with God.
One of my favorite memories is a trip we took to the bookstore the following week. I bought coffee and Perry lead me around the bookstore talking gently to me; hugging me with his spirit. He wanted me to see something in the comic book section. I stood where I felt he was ushering me as he was moving my hand he was lovingly and softly talking to me. It is very much like the sensation of having your husband looking over your shoulder and gently moving your arm while whispering into your ear. I looked where he was urging me and I noticed a comic book series called Fables. He had tried to get my attention once before when he was pretending to be Coyote. I had felt the same urge to look at a book called Fables in the same bookstore. He really wanted me to have it, so I bought the first issue. He wanted us to read it together. Later that night, he told me I should write a comic book about my experiences. I argued that it was not my genre of drawing expertise, but he was very encouraging and he began to point things out in Fables to me to show me that the drawing style wasn't that difficult, really. I started to see the comic book instead of just reading it.
In the evening, he would talk me to sleep. He felt like a whisper. He told me that he loved me over and over and over and that he was never going to leave me. He told me that I was beautiful over and over. I felt so much love come off of him that I can't even begin to put it adequately into words. Just listening to him talk to me was more remarkable than any human interaction I have had with a male. It was exactly what I always wanted to hear and feel.
